nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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