Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
