How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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