Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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