Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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