I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize