Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You are the jesus of drinking
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
