now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
