How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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