Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
