hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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