I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize