you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
