Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I take back everything I said about communal showers
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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