just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
