Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
