Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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