When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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