Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
