1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
what day is it and did you see me today?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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