Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
