I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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