I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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