i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
