at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
