The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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