What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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