I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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