Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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