If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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