I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
