Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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