If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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