My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
