The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
