whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
