Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
