tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize