Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
