we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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