I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
