That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
