you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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