Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
