im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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