You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
