I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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