I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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