youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
