Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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