guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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