woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
