They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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