ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're a disaster
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