I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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