What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
