I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
