Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
