dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
