pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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