so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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