Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
